I cry a thousand wolves
cause the night goes on too long
dying in deadly pit of sorrow
slowly losing my breath
to a silence morning
without the sun


Me vs Anxiety

“Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It’s the fear of failure but no urge to be productive. It’s wanting friends but hating having to socialize. It’s wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. It’s caring about everything then caring about nothing. It’s feeling everything at once then feeling paralyzingly numb”- Unknown

30 Days Yoga Challenge during Ramadan 1438 H

I supposed to curse and shout out bunch of complains today, because that’s what I’m planning to throw out on my blog every Monday. Monday madness – as I called it. But, on this special month, it is Ramadan now, 1438 H, so I won’t do it. Cause I’m fasting from doing all the bad stuff I usually did, including cursing, called out some non-humane name or hating on others. So, I will be talking about other stuff that didn’t break my fasting.

Today count as the third day in Ramadan, it starts on Saturday, 27th of May 2017. And I feel a little bit more energized than the last two days. I’m not really sure why, but I think it’s because I do yoga this morning. Yes, as I planned long before I would do another 30 Days of Yoga Challenge on Ramadan as my morning routine. I can not do my HIIT cardio or jogging but can not completely shut down my exercise program either. Since, it only lead to me gain all of those weight back.

When in fasting mode, we’re not eating a lot – maybe some of us did, because of this our body also adapt to the change and slow our metabolism. We may lose a bit of weight at the begining, but soon after our body adapt, if we didn’t exercise that weight will hike faster than we thought. Trust me, I’ve been experience this not only twice or four times. At the end of the holy month, my waist always gain a few inch. It happen.

Back to my 30 Days Yoga Challenge. I supposed to start on May 27 – as Ramadan starts that day, but I only take the action on the evening of the second day cause on the first day I still recovering from my HIIT and thought it will be better if I take another day of from exercise to compensate the changes. That mark the first day of the challenge. And when I’m finish, I feel like there’s a slight energy that kind of make me feel fresh and happy. I don’t know how to describe it, but, man I’m glad I did it. It feel so darn good.

So, this morning, after suhoor I decided that I will continue to take on the second day. I take a cup of coffee, watching some program on tv and give my self an hour rest before I start stretching my body for 24 minutes. Again, I sweat like I’ve been exercise for 30 minutes and I feel more energized. My body feel great. Not even a little dehydration – at least – until now. And I feel more focus. Maybe if I had something to do in this office I’ll do them just fine without complaining. Sadly, there’s not much to do. That’s why I could write this on my blog.

I already know from what I hear and see, that doing workout during fasting is actually good for our body, but never thought it feel this good. I think that it’s just a motivation for some of us lazy peeps to stop winding about how weak our body feels when fasting. I do believe that we should not stop ourself from doing work or any other activity, but working out was never kick my mind. That’s why at first I was so hesitant to do this challenge.

At first, I – maybe some of you too – think that yoga might not as hard as HIIT, running or weightlifting. But that’s the point. Because we need to adjust how we exercise. To meet our strength. To avoid dehydration if we working out in the morning. To lower the intensity so we won’t collapse. So we can maintain our metabolism without hurting ourself in the process. The last two session of my yoga challenge makes me see it. That I can do my workout routine while fasting without worrying about all of that stuff.

Now, I’m planning to my third session this evening to catch up since I bailed on day one. Maybe after a little cardio once office hour is done, but, still not sure how it will turn out. I gotta check the time and if I could do it or not. Mom probably had taken over the telly to watch her favorite tv program. LOL. I have 15 – 20 minutes of walking to do to get home anyway, so maybe I’ll skip the cardio and straight for my yoga session. Hope I could finish my 30 days Yoga Challenge during this Ramadan.

That’s up for today I guess. See you soon on my next amusing post. I need to do a movie review this week cause I miss it last week. Hopefully it will improve my writing skills and all. Ciao!

Monday Madness..

I don’t know why, but since forever – Monday has been kind of my day for bragging around and cursing the shit that seems to mount every time the week starts. It’s like they’ve been waiting all day long during the weekend just to blow up in my face the next morning when I need most of my energy to start my day.  So, for almost the whole time of my weird life, I tend to throw all of that shit on Monday. Hence, I brag and curse, sometimes put my “get out of my way face” the freaking whole day.

Lucky me, today, it’s just like any others Monday madness I had. Even thought I start the morning feeling a little optimistic with my exercise routine, some yoga bullshit that I just learn, it eventually goes to shit. Payday being moved to whenever they got the money is definitely the bomb, but the fact that I can’t afford to take my mom for check up routine and bought her supplies was what fucked me up real hard. I got no fucking idea what to do. Maybe, selling my laptop and my DSLR would be a solution, but to what end? Do I have to sell everything that I got left? Maybe one day I gotta sell my self out, even thought I’m sure no one would want me.

I know, everyone in this world sometimes suffer a lot worse than what happens to me right now. But, that’s not the point.  The point is I need my salary to pay my bills, to support my family. I need to provide them with food and other stuff that they need. I need to pay my mortgage and credit. The hell I’m gonna do next if the salary isn’t out today or tomorrow? I got no fucking idea! And this shit been going for four months. The first two months it got delayed 18 – 20 days. Last month it’s 30 days. This month it’s been more than 30 days.

My mortgage got penalty for two months in a row. My motor cycles credit got penalty due to late payment every month for the third times now. All around IDR 300k per month. So, I need to cover this penalty but there is zero penalty for the delays of my salary. For some people, maybe that amount is not a biggy, but for me, that means my lunch money is out the window. My once a month movie tickets is gone. The fuck is happen? Shit happens!!

Sure, I know ranting or rambling about this shit isn’t gonna pay the bill or make it easy, that’s for sure. I just need to release this tension, headache and pain in my chest. I couldn’t talk to anyone, surely not my best friends cause they’ll just told to to quit the fucking job and move on. So, if a little writing and spreading some f words cursing the situation could take a bit of the pain, I’ll freaking take it. I’ll type everything I feel and set them free. I just couldn’t help to keep em to myself anymore.

If this Monday madness kind of post could really help me feel just a slightly better, than I’m fucking sure I post this shit up. Ciao!