Me vs Anxiety

“Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It’s the fear of failure but no urge to be productive. It’s wanting friends but hating having to socialize. It’s wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. It’s caring about everything then caring about nothing. It’s feeling everything at once then feeling paralyzingly numb”- Unknown

A new blog? Seriously?!

Hi there! Yes, it is my new blog! I know, I’ve been guilty of creating a bunch of blog in the past and not maintain their live long hope that I set while starting them up. It is purely my fault. For some reason, I just couldn’t get myself to post more frequently and end up forgetting the main goal to why I create them in the first place. Which is to learn how to write, be more discipline and improve my English.

For years, I’ve been struggling to write some ideas and stories I want to tell. Even some tips I want to share. They end up popping into thin air and gone. So I create a blog as a way to motivate me to write more. To tackle the fear of writing. With the intention to post regularly once or twice a week sharing ideas or just rumbling about anything. So, with time I’ll be able to write down what’s popping out in my head easier and faster.

This actually works. At least, for the last blog I created. I did write one post or two every month. Even though it’s just me going nuts about my SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder) – yes, I had them – or a poem. But I write them. I did it. Sometimes I also post a few picture that I take, or sketches that I made. I love photography and drawing too, so I thought why not post them on my blog. It will make more colorful content for the blog.

But, the discipline part is just too hard for me to maintain, as I was kind of lazy person. Couldn’t even set myself to post every week as I set to. And also, I was kind of killing every ideas that pop out because of my anxiety. I think too much just to decide if I could write it down. What if no one read them? What if my bad English get people confused? What if I share too much? As sometimes I tend to write about my anxiety, and wondered if someone I know will notice and think that I’m crazy.

Social anxiety or whatever anxiety you have, in Indonesia, it will be simplified as nuts, a.k.a crazy. Because not all of us here fully understand what it means. What social anxiety means. The level. That there’s a different between social anxiety and crazy. Even some people with high level of education, sometimes did not get it. So, when you explained to your best friends or family what it actually is, some of them still think that you are indeed a cray pants. Or in your head, you think they do. And I do not want that in my conscience.

Thus, this keep me from fully engage with my truth that I do really want to get deep in my blog and share them with the world. That one day I write about my travelling experience – first time ever travelling with bunch of strangers – I did post it. I feel so damn good about it! But, just in a few days looking back at that post, I got anxious and end up reading them for so many times. Try to edit them like a crazy pants. And then I shut it down. I delete the post. Even thought I know deep in my heart, that I did not mention any names on it. I do know for sure that not much people would read them – since I only follow a few blog and my followers were only like below fifteen. The heck that I’m afraid of?

Basically, it is kind of disaster, but why the new blog? Why not continue using the same blog and just re-new the spirit? In my defense, it was easier to start a new blog rather than to deal with all the previous post I made. To delete or edit some of them, it’s just doesn’t make sense to me. I think I owe to myself to make a new blank journal so I could start a new learning process without feeling trap in the past. Start over my writing lessons to create better content as I am sharing new stories, ideas or even just my usual ranting.

In this new blog, I am hoping that I could be more productive, to write as many great content as I could. Post them without hesitation, with less fear and more fun every time.