Yes. A few days ago, I felt that urge to take my own life. I didn’t do it thought, pretty sure I’m not brave enough, that’s why I could post this today. First of all, I’m not try to make “suicidal” fancy or shit, I just think that I need to pour my heart out, to get it out of my system and get over it. These few months had been a never ending failed tale for me. So much wasn’t work out the way I want it or need it. Mood swings, anxious, and drinking. Hoho, yes, now you know that I drink – when I feel like shit. Not much though, cause I still hate alcohol in any kind of names the bottles called.
Usually when I felt the anxiety kicks in, it’s just mood swings and sad. But, last Friday night was kinda a hit? or something… I don’t know what it is called, but I’m feeling lost, anxious, angry, sad and shit like I’ve never felt before. I feel like I’m at the end of the line, so hopeless and too weak to do something about it. I just lay down on my bed and do nothing. Didn’t even mumbling a word or two, no cursing no shouting. And the silence keep dragging me down. I’ts not like I got panic attack or something, cause my heart didn’t beat that fast. My heartbeat was actually so slow it terrifies me.
I didn’t really sleep that night. My eyes shut, but my mind is wondering around like a lost child in a big unknown city. Looking for a way out of all the problems, a way to end the sadness that is too much to bare. To release myself from the pain that I’m in. Thoughts of ending life crossed my mind like millions times that night. So much people doing it, the last one I heard was a well-known vocalist did it. Maybe it is a way of letting all go? Cause it’s been too much for me. I have hard time letting go of the past, anxious about the present and scared that I got nothing to face the freaking future. All night long, all those reasons to cut my own life was echoes in my head. I just lay there in bed, soaking it all in till it fades bit by bit as the morning come.
The next day, it does get a little bit better. Since morning, that suicidal feeling wasn’t as strong as before. Though, I keep wishing that I was someone else, picture a different kind of life in my head all night, it was easier. Get me through the day and my Saturday night without sleeping at all, again, eyes shut but brain got hook up on some illusions I create for myself. A normal person with normal life, normal brain and normal bullshit to talk about. At least, I’m not suicidal anymore. I’m still sad, still thinking about open that wine bottle that sit in the fridge. Bad mood, angry, lost and powerless. Couldn’t even think about work. Feels like my backbone just broke. I can’t move.
Two days in a row without sleeping. I thought I jog them off, get some workout in the morning, hoping the shit goes out of my head as the sun rise up with all it’s glory, might help me feel a tid bit better. Guess what? It didn’t! I went for a walk, then try to run a little, and I feel that feeling again choke me up. Suddenly everything feel so damn bad. I couldn’t contain the sadness that I just tearing up. All those bad thought and shit rises up again. I try my best walk it off some more, cause I know it will be bad if I got home with all those shitty feeling still in my head. I’ll get angry to everyone at home for no reason.
Well, Sunday, not a fun day for sure. As the day rolls, after doing laundry which surprised me that I still had the power to do it, I lay down again, back in bed, try to get a nap. But, it is basically, repeating all those doom gloomy days again. Even now, I still feels all those craps. Three days, with no proper sleeps. Got to deal with shitty people. Got to take care of my family. Got no money. No plan. No backup plan. No idea what to do or where I could get some cash.I got no clue what else I could do. That’s why I post this. Hopefully it might help me get off that “suicidal” feelings…